AbI c

ATTENDED BYU, SPANISH (‘17–’19)

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

It was a really good option as far as monetarily. I don’t think there was an in-state school that could beat that price, especially for the quality education, you know? BYU is not like, an average school name, people know it. And, I think the social pressure too, like, a lot of my friends were going, my parents were really just like, you know, “Do whatever you want to do.” But I was like, “Okay, it’s cheap, it’s, you know, well-known and stuff.” So that’s why I went.

How was going to BYU as a queer student?

It was kind of traumatic. Not gonna lie. I had a lot of really supportive friends, which was nice. I mean, they were still very LDS culture. Like, you know, I love you, but what you’re doing is wrong kind of thing. But they were still, like, really caring and they didn’t push me away.

It was pretty lonely. I didn’t really know any other queer students for a while. There was a reconciling faith and sexuality group, and I did that one. And, honestly, I don’t know how I would have survived without it.

There was this constant fear all the time. Like . . . is this professor chill? Are they going to say something that’s going to like, wreck me emotionally? I know they won’t actually hurt me, but you know, having someone like, tell you to your face, “Oh, your love is morally wrong before God and the universe.” That’s like a little bit . . . it’s a big deal.

Just trying to decide which of my roommates and which of my teachers and classmates would be like, “Oh, you’re gay. I can’t talk to you anymore. I’m going to sit over there now.

What mental health issues did you face as a queer student?

Someone said, “There’s nothing gayer than shared trauma.” And I was like, “Huh. That’s not entirely correct or inaccurate statement.” But I agree with that in some ways. Like, having a relationship when you’re gay is a lot more stressful socially. It’s not easy.

I think I was already struggling with depression and anxiety, but that definitely heightened it. Definitely made it harder for me to reach out to people because I wondered if they were going to report me or not report me or just shoot me down or what’s going to happen next.

Could you describe a pleasant experience from BYU?

The reconciling faith and sexuality group was so interesting because I went in there on tip-toes, not really sure what to expect, because I knew it wasn’t conversion therapy, but . . . is it? And then, it wasn’t, and everyone was just like, “Oh, yeah, I have a boyfriend now, and it’s great.” or “I have a girlfriend and it’s awesome.” And I was like, “Oh, okay, we can talk about this. No one’s going to report me.” So, that honestly was a game changer.

What made you decide to transfer?

A big part of it was the majors. I tried a couple majors and I actually wasn’t really feeling it, and then every day I would go to campus and be stressed out and think, “Wow, that person looks church-y, they’ll probably reject me, so I’m going to be anti-social.” That was kind of the mood for a while.

People don’t understand why there are queer people at BYU, so I want to break it down from my perspective. I agreed to dress, look, eat, drink, socialize, date, talk, believe, and even think a very specific way when I was 18 years old because I thought it made me a good person. If I had been told, when I was a late teenager, that when I left home my worldview would change, and that it was ok for it to change, I never would’ve gone to BYU. In your very first adult years, BYU says, “You can’t change. If this very strict way of life doesn’t fit you anymore, then you’re lost. You need discipline. Or you can leave, because we don’t want someone like you here”. I couldn’t know my world view would change before it changed, and there’s no room for you at BYU if it does.

How has it been since you transferred?

It’s been a lot better. I think part of that also has to do with moving to a place that isn’t BYU student housing because the rules aren’t as rigid. I can have my girlfriend over and not stress the hell out of everything.

There’s also a lot of pressure to stay too. When transferring, people ask you, “Why are you leaving God’s University? Did you sin?” It’s not just, “Oh, I’m changing schools.” There’s some weird pressure around it.

One thing I realized after I left: while I was there, it felt so overwhelming. The whole world was just against you and tons of pressure—your housing depends on it, your school depends on it, and you could lose so much if you get kicked out. It was like I was drowning, but it was just shallow water, and all I had to do was stand up. And then I stood up, and I was like, “Oh. Everything’s fine.”

What does your spirituality look like today?

I grew up Mormon, and I went mostly because all my Mormon friends were growing. So I was like, “Why not?” Honestly, if I hadn’t gone [to BYU] I don’t know if I would’ve ever changed my faith because really immersing yourself in that environment is like, “Okay, wait, do you actually—what do you actually think about this?” And let’s actually look at it.

I thought I was pretty developed for a while [in my spirituality], but I consider myself agnostic at this point.

What is a piece of advice that you would give to a current queer student?

When I transferred, I felt like I got a little bit of flack from people who were queer that I had met who were like, “Why are you leaving? You should stay and help make change.” I felt really bad about that for a while, but I think there’s a healthy balance there.

Support the movement, I’m all for that, but also take care of yourself too.

That was an experience. One thing that I felt was a truth I learned while I was there was that whether or not God is real and thinks the gay is bad or the flying spaghetti monster is real, just whatever the truth is, it’s not more important than your life. And that’s something I didn’t grow up with. It was like, “Yeah, martyrdom!” And, no, your life is more valuable than the truth about the reality, and I don’t think you should compromise about that. If there’s anyone ever in that situation, your life is worth more than all of it.

Also, deciding where to put your emotional energy. I spent most of it with my family and friends, trying to sort out our differences. If someone on the bus is being randomly homophobic, you kind of have to decide if you’re going to stand up for it right now or are you going to take it easy. And I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to that, even though we’re always taught to stand up for what’s right. But you don’t have to exert yourself everywhere.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Abi’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity.

Posted June 2021