Braxton C

BA English ('20)

Describe your experience at BYU

For a while it was very isolating at BYU because I thought I was the only queer person on campus for my first year and a half there. Part of me knew that there had to be other LGBT people there, but I felt very alone. In Spring 2017, I went on a London Theater Study Abroad, and one of my roommates was gay and very open about it. Being able to see him be so open and courageous about who he was—it inspired me a bit more. It still took a while to sort through every, but overall it was really encouraging to meet and see other people like me at BYU who were going through everything. The more I put myself out there, the more I discovered more and more queer people there. My last year, I was in a student-directed play at BYU, in a cast of about fifteen or sixteen, and literally half of the cast was queer. And it was absolutely amazing to find somewhere at BYU where I truly felt like I belonged.

When did you first realize you were queer?

I am both bisexual and non-binary. Part of me has always known for years about both of them, but it’s taken a while to click. I had my first crush on a guy when I was fourteen, and it took me five years to realize that that was actually a crush on a guy. And then it took two years after that to fully realize that I was bisexual. I don’t know exactly where I fit in the sexuality spectrum, but I’m happy with that.

For non-binary—ever since I was four, I was interested in more feminine things. Growing up, when I played video games, I would always play as the female character, and things that our society coded as more feminine clicked with me. When I finally realized that I was non-binary, one of my best friends was talking about changing his name because he didn’t like the name he was given at birth. Two months after he told me this, he came out as trans. He was trying to find a name that was gender neutral. Hearing that sparked something in me—like maybe there was something more in me than I had always been taught. For me, that goes to the importance of finding queer people because it helps us better understand ourselves.

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

My family all lives very close to BYU. I wanted to near them. I love the English program at BYU. I’m really glad I stayed because I got really involved in theater and the theater program there is absolutely phenomenal.

What are some of the mental health issues you struggled with as a queer student?

Feelings of loneliness, for one. Part of being me, I struggled to come out to anyone so I felt like I was walking a very thin line by being queer at BYU. I enjoyed my time there, but there was a lot that wasn’t the absolute best.

What has “coming out” been like for you?

The first time I came out to anyone was to my best friend Alejandra right before I left on the study abroad. I told her, “Hey, I don’t know what I am, but I’m not straight.” And it was on that study abroad that I realized I was bisexual, and over the next few months and years, I came out to people individually. It was about a year ago that I realized I was non-binary, and I told some people about that. But this past June, for pride month, my best friend Alejandra and I made this short film—just me, being in a room, sad, and then cutting to me heading into a closet, then me coming out of a closet in full bisexual rainbow colors. And then we played the song “I’m coming out” and my friend put in “Can’t deny that I’m bi” just to tell the world that I’m bisexual.

What does your spirituality look like today?

For me, it was a struggle because growing up, I was told that you can’t be gay or you can’t be trans. It was a lot of internal struggle, but ever since I was able to truly accept who I am, I’ve honestly felt closer to God than I have my entire life.

What’s a piece of advice for a current queer student at BYU?

God loves you. And nothing is ever going to change that.

Anything else you’d like to share?

One thing that’s very important is to feel like you’re actually seen there. In one of the theater classes that I took, we were discussing plays that would never be produced at BYU. Some of the plays we were discussing portrayed queer characters and the people who live in Provo and Orem to come enjoy the shows probably wouldn’t enjoy that. But our teacher talked about the importance of us seeing that because she knows that there are so many people out there like us, who need spaces to belong, and she said that if we don’t create a space for queer people, if we don’t make a space for those who are LDS and in the LGBT community, they’re going to leave and find their own spaces. For me, it was so important to see that a professor at BYU acknowledged the pain that we go through and acknowledge the need that everyone has to just be accepted as they are.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Braxton’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity.

Posted March 2021