Chelsea H

BA Theater Arts Studies ('13)

Describe your BYU experience

There were lots of ups and downs. I would say that the first couple of years were a little bit more difficult than the latter years, and I owe a lot of that to my husband and finding my person to help through those highs and those lows. But the first couple of years were really hard. Mostly just trying to find myself, my own spirituality that was separate from my family, and being an eighteen-year-old and not knowing who I am and being grumpy about it.

Describe your experience post-BYU

Really freeing, but also a lot of work to dismantle what happened and how I got through BYU. Like I said, getting married helped a lot, and having that support from someone who completely accepts me for who I am. After BYU, my husband left the Church about two years later. That process was incredibly difficult. Since leaving BYU and thinking back on my husband and me, and our relationship with the Church: him leaving the Church and my own frustrations with staying or leaving . . . I stayed in the Church without him for about two and a half years. I’ve been out of the Church now for about two years. It’s been a long process.

When did you first realize you were queer?

It’s kind of weird. I was on a date with my husband. We were at Outback Steakhouse, sharing a dinner together to celebrate a promotion at work. I had gone to a theater conference a week before, and there was a girl that I realized I had special feelings for that were not just a spiritual connection—it was something more. I was at that conference, and I had a moment, lying in bed at night, praying to God, “Hey, why am I twenty-three, married for three years now, and just figuring this out tonight?” I waited a week before telling my husband at that promotion dinner. His first response was, “I think I knew.” I did not know that was how it was going to go because I had just figured that out myself a week ago! He’s been the greatest support system. It took me a while to figure it out, but looking back, as a kid, girls were always special to me—along with boys. But that’s how I figured it out.

What does your spirituality look like today?

Living in a way that is truthful to myself and forever being kind to others and being kind to myself.

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

Part of it was family expectation. Also, at the time, I wanted to be around people who were like me. I wanted to know what that bubble felt like in order to feel safe and feel like I belonged. More than that, I honestly felt that it was an answer to a prayer to go and that there was some spiritual growth that I needed to go through by being at BYU.

What are some of the mental health issues you dealt with as a queer student?

Depression, definitely. There would be long periods of time, especially my freshman year, when I would lie in bed, not eat, and not talk to my roommates. At the end of my first semester, my roommate at the time came into the room on Sunday and she said, “Hey, so, I know that you are seeing the bishop currently. That makes me uncomfortable. Also, there’s some sort of darkness about you, and I can’t be around it anymore.” Those last two weeks of the semester I was actually alone, in my own dorm. That sort of experience, when you thought you could count on people but then they weren’t there for you, it leaves a lasting impression. I had major depression and terrible anxiety, always think that I’m not good enough and someone else should be here in my place.

What’s a pleasant experience you had at BYU?

There are several. Because I did theater arts, I was surrounded by some of the most amazing people all the time. If I hadn’t had had those friendships, I don’t know how it would have gone. I was very lucky to have incredible professors who had so much empathy and so much love. Being with them helped me find my own love for myself.

What’s a piece of advice for a current queer student?

You are so strong. And you are so loved. There are people there who just love and they want to be there for you. Some advice I would give: whenever you are ready, you are allowed to reach out and you are allowed to ask for help. Because that’s sometimes the hardest step to take: to accept that you love yourself and to ask someone else for help if you feel alone. That was a lot of my experience at BYU, especially those first two years, when I was surrounded by people but I felt alone. Reach out when you need to because you are so loved and you are so strong.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Chelsea’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity.

Posted March 2021