Daniel r

ATTENDED BYU (‘12, ‘15–’18)

UVU Geology (‘20)

What made you want to transfer out of BYU?

There were a lot of reasons, but the biggest one was being gay. I had been dating guys already. A year after I got home from my mission, I started dating gays. Then I stopped for a year because I was repenting, but then I started again. By that point, I was tired of lying. I would talk about dating but I would use non-gender-specific pronouns, and I would talk about making out and stuff, but I couldn’t say what I was doing to my friends. I wanted to leave BYU because I wanted to come out fully.

Describe your experience at BYU.

It started out really great. I was one of those kids who always dreamed about BYU for as long as I could remember. Both of my parents went to BYU, and I had a sister who went to BYU. I applied to only three colleges, and I got into BYU and I was so excited.

It was good at first. I was part of the Ballroom Dance Company for the four years I was there, and it was one of the great parts. My time on the company ended the same time I was considering transferring to UVU, so it felt like the things that were keeping me at BYU were winding down. I wasn’t going to be a part of the company anymore, and I didn’t want to stop dating guys but I wanted to be more open about that. It started off great, but I felt like I was always hiding something and I felt like I couldn’t be my complete self. So, I started looking to transfer.

What were some of the mental health issues you dealt with as a queer student at BYU?

For me, I was very lonely. I felt that I couldn’t tell a lot of people about being gay, and I felt that as I started dating guys, I couldn’t be fully out with them. I felt that I couldn’t be worthy of having a boyfriend or their love because I wasn’t being authentic. I still feel those things sometimes! I went to a lot of therapy for being lonely and sad about those things.

How has your experience been since graduation?

It’s been really good for the most. I’ve said before that I can’t say that coming out made me a happy person and cured me. There might even have been times when I’ve been more depressed as an out gay man than as I was as a closeted Mormon. I’ve let go of the religion too. I can’t say I’m always happier because of it, but I feel that I am living true to myself. So, I am happier, and it’s good, but there are also hard times.

When did you first realize you were queer?

I should’ve known earlier because I had always been curious about guys. Silly things, like the men underwear’s section at whatever department store. I was jealous of the popular guys and I wanted to be like them. It didn’t really hit me until I was rejected from my mission call—it got delayed initially because of an issue I had with pornography. They said I had to “take care of this,” and learned it was gay porn, and so I was sent to LDS Family Services and was required to have six months of sobriety from that to serve a mission. I realized then that maybe it was a real thing.

I never said, “I am gay. I am attracted to men,” until after that initial rejection from serving a mission.

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

It was always my dream. I wanted to do ballroom dance. I wanted to be on their touring team. I never was, but that’s what I wanted. I always thought BYU was God’s gift to the world. I grew up in Provo, so BYU had been built upon this pedestal. …

When it got knocked down a few notches, I was less overcome with this fascination with BYU and that it was everything.

Were you still at BYU when you started to “come out”?

I was a freshman at BYU, pre-mission. It was scary at first. Initially, I thought it was scary. I had to come out twice: both to myself and to family. I came out as being attracted to men. My family was okay with that and they loved me, but I was still going to marry a woman. I came out again later, both to myself and to them, as dating guys and wanting to marry a man.

It feels like my experiences as a gay Mormon was that I had to come out twice. And I still have to come out.

What’s a piece of advice for a current queer student?

Don’t be afraid of the counseling center. I went there, and it started me on my path to leave BYU. But, it really helped. The therapists were really nice. I was part of the first groups that they made specifically for LGBT students, and I did the group therapy for a year. Don’t be afraid to get some counseling because it’s really hard to navigate coming out and dealing with being queer.

Don’t be afraid to leave BYU if that’s the best option for you. I felt ashamed sometimes to leave BYU. I thought people would judge me, thinking I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had a good GPA, I was doing fine at the school, but leaving was the best thing for me. So, don’t be afraid of that option.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Daniel’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity.

Posted April 2021