Emily B

BA Theatre & Media Arts (‘17)

Describe your experience at BYU.

You know, I think that I had a fairly positive experience at BYU, but it’s only because I was completely blind to the fact that I was queer until my second to last semester. And so, I didn’t know, I didn’t realize that I was queer until I was like 22 or 23. Yeah, I was like 22 before I realized. And there were so many signs, and I was kind of suspecting it for a while before I actually finally came out to myself because there were all these girls that I had huge crushes on, and I remember thinking, “Wow, I really admire these girls that I’m in classes with, and working on projects with, and all these things.” It took me so long to realize that I was queer that I just had an oblivious and fine time at BYU up realizing I was queer. Obviously, there were other things where I felt I didn’t belong in the Church. And so that made it hard, but I didn’t associate those things with being queer. I just thought, “BYU is fine. I’m very straight, clearly.”

The last semester and a half were pretty rough. I was dating somebody for the first time and realizing that I was queer for the first time, and all these really big emotions were happening. If those things had happened earlier in my time at BYU, it would have been a lot harder to be there.

What has your experience been like since graduation?

For the first two-ish years or so after graduating, I was in a pretty unhealthy relationship. I had gotten into this relationship at BYU and thought, “Oh, this is the only experience I have being queer, I need to stay with it. I need to take care of this person I’m with.” It wasn’t until last March that I finally got myself out of that relationship. I feel like almost from April 2017 to March 2019, I was kind of just surviving after BYU. I was running on fumes and not really living my life. Since I got out of that relationship, I have been trying to figure out what I actually want to do, figuring out my spirituality, getting into a happy relationship, going to therapy, and doing all these things that are actually positive.

I feel like it took me a long time to actually start living my life after BYU. And it’s been a fairly recent development for me.

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

I chose to go to BYU primarily because of my parents, money, and things like that. I didn’t have a ton of opportunities to work in high school, so I didn’t have any savings or any knowledge of how I would go to college without my own money. So, that was the big impetus.

Neither of my parents went to BYU, so they thought that BYU was “the place” where we all needed to be.

What are some of the mental health issues you dealt with as a queer student at BYU?

A lot of depression and anxiety. I have a PTSD diagnosis, but that’s from some other stuff. So just mostly lots of good old depression and anxiety.

What does your spirituality look like now?

I never really felt like I belonged in Mormonism. I felt like I was too liberal, and that there wasn’t a space for me and all these things. In my sophomore year of college, I thought, “I really need to give the Church a chance. Maybe I’m just not seeing what everyone else is seeing about this religion.” And so, I went through the temple and did everything, and I felt very close to Mormonism for a long time. And then, as soon as I realized that I was queer, I thought, “I can’t be associated with the church. I can’t do that.” So, I was like, “I don’t believe in it anymore. I’m going to walk from all of this.” It’s only been very recently that I’ve realized that spirituality and all the things like a loving God, charity, faith—all those things aren’t owned by the church. They are still good, valuable, moral things.

And so, I have been exploring Judaism a little bit. It’s only been very recently that I was like, “Oh, I think I actually do believe in God,” because I kind of thought that God was owned by Mormonism. And it was only recently that I realized, “Oh no, he’s not. Or they’re not. Or she’s not. Or whoever.” I feel like I’m on the cusp of a new spiritual journey, that’s kind of separate from Mormonism.

What’s a piece of advice for a current queer student at BYU?

For queer people who are at BYU, I would encourage them to have a really strong support system, especially if they’re going to stay. Be in therapy, and be really in tune with what they want and what good things are coming from BYU and what bad things are coming from BYU, and as soon as that tips, where it’s more bad things than good, have an escape plan. And have a second school, or at least some kind of emergency plan. If I had realized sooner that I was queer, I wouldn’t have switched schools because it would’ve been hard to tell my parents or do any of those sorts of things, and I think that the biggest thing that any of us can do is protect our mental health and protect our wellbeing. As long as staying here and staying healthy, and that is at the core of whatever you’re doing, it’s fine to stay at BYU. But make sure that they’re queuing into all of those things going on.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Emily’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity.

Posted April 2021