Kalel c

BS APPLIED STATISTICS (‘19)

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

I went to college in Brazil before my mission, and it was really close to my family. And I was like, maybe this is a chance for me to kinda like, not run away from them, but kinda have my start over. You know? I lived in the same house my entire life, went to the same ward, had the same friends. So I was kinda excited to like start over, because when I started BYU, I was already pretty out in a way. So I thought this was going to be fun because when people meet me for the first time, not that being gay is my whole identity, but I can be, I don’t have to come out because they’re just going to know me as gay, that I am gay. So I was really excited for that kind of start over opportunity at BYU. And I’m really grateful that I did it. I’m really, really grateful that I did it.

What were some of the good experiences you had at BYU?

My freshman year, I met these two boys and they’re also gay. And we became really, really good friends, and I think friendships and the people that I met at BYU, for sure, are the things that I hold really dear. Just because I don’t have family here in America, so moving here alone was really tough at first and the best part about being gay is that you also get to choose your family. Those people that are still my friends, we all met at BYU. And I think we’re still really close because we went through all those hard times together, and I think that’s why I had such a good experience at BYU because I had people that were going through the same thing with me and we were able to help each other. You don’t feel as lonely because sometimes being queer you’re like, oh, I’m the only one that feels this way or I’m crazy or this and then when you get to meet other people and you see that you’re pretty normal, everyone is going through the same thing, it was really good to see that growth within the four years that we were all there together.

Did you have mental health struggles while at BYU?

I did. There was one semester that I was struggling pretty bad. My grades were going down. I felt like, I think it was less about being queer and I think it was more about my parents. My parents are great people. I love them and they’re really nice, but I think that it was a struggle at first for them to accept me. They’re always being loving, but they’re not really supportive. And I think that there was a semester that we had more fights about it because I was being more vocal about my opinions and my opinions were going against what they believe. So it was really tough for me, but I actually went to CAPS, and I found a therapist and she was really cool about it. And that’s when I learned the magic of therapy, and I still go every two weeks, even when I’m like really, really good, because I feel like sometimes it’s really easy for you to get down on yourself, for you to think that things are going wrong because of this and because of that. It was a tough semester but it was when I learned how to find ways to cope with depression and anxiety. And it started my journey with therapy, and it has been about three years now and I haven’t stopped going.

When did you first realize you were queer?

I was really, really young, actually. I think I was about seven, and I remember I was watching Pocahontas and I thought John Smith was really handsome. And I think I told that to someone in my family, and I think I’ve always felt very different things, not just like about liking men, but I felt like I was a little more sensitive, so I’ve always felt very different.

When I was about 12 or 13, that’s kind of when it hit me. I’m from Sao Paulo, Brazil, and Pride there is really, really big. And I remember I was on the subway coming back from school, and people were getting on the subway to go to Pride. And I remember I saw everyone and they were so happy and so cheerful. And I thought that it was weird because I learned in the church that if you’re gay, you’re supposed to be sad and everyone seemed so fun and so nice. So that was my first thought, and then I was like maybe I should go there, maybe that’s where I want to go, maybe that’s where I want to be. So that was the first time that I was like, “Hmm, yeah, I’m gay, and I want to explore this better, and I think this is a big part of who I am, and explains a lot about why this happened, and how I feel different.”

What does your spirituality look like today?

I think I’m actually a very spiritual person. I think there’s a difference between being religious and being spiritual, right? I’m not a religious person in a way that I don’t identify with specific religion, but I think I’m a spiritual person because I do want answers. So usually I like to have specific answers for specific questions and that’s usually how my brain works. And that was really hard for me because when I left the church, the church had all the answers for my questions, but then when I realized that I didn’t believe some of those things, I was like, okay, so everything just went down the drain, and I have to start over—do I even believe in God? What kind of person do I want to be? Is this right? Is this wrong? Is this good? Is this bad? And I realized that it’s a lot more about the journey of finding answers than finding the actual answers to all my questions. You know, how can I be a better family member to the people in my family? How can I be a better friend? So my opinions now are mine. I maybe have less answers, but they’re mine. I got them on my own.

What’s a piece of advice for a current queer student at BYU?

Sometimes when you’re queer, you tend to isolate yourself because you think people are going to judge you. And what I’ve learned is to just give people a chance to get to know you. My roommates, one of them, I was really scared of coming out to him because he was this butch masc Hawaiian boy, and he was just like into football and stuff like that. And I was like, oh my gosh, like woo. And I remember when I came out to him, it was a little tough at first, I felt like he was a little weirded out. But then with time he started asking questions, like, when did you first realize you were gay? When did you do this first? Like, how did your parents take it? Graduation day, we were in line together and he turned to me and he said, “If I have a gay son, I’m not gonna have a problem with that.” And I remember like, I, I started crying a lot because it was one person that I got to change when I was at BYU and I could have easily stayed in the closet the whole four years. But I thought, I was like, you know what? Maybe I should give him a chance, you know, to get to know me and we’re still good friends. Don’t be scared of showing who you are because I would say 99% of the time people are going to be interested and people are going to want to learn more about you.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Kalel’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity.

Posted June 2021