Paul M

BA Theater Arts Studies ('14)

Describe your BYU experience

I am #9 of 10 kids. I grew up in the small city/college town of Muncie, Indiana (if you’ve watched Parks and Recreation, it’s Gary’s favorite place in the whole world). My parents met at BYU and I witnessed the excitement of 5 of my older siblings getting into the beloved university. The Y was akin to Narnia in my childlike estimations; it was a magical place where all your dreams become reality.

At age 13, I became painfully aware of my attraction to men. It happened on day one of eighth grade when I saw my best friend for the first time in four months. This sent me into a cycle of torment. I was your typical goody-goody Mormon kid. It made no sense why God was punishing me because I always did everything perfectly right. A few months later, I got my patriarchal blessing hoping it would give me answers. All it provided was more confusion as it clearly stated that I would marry a woman. I worked with a mind single to getting into BYU. I thought if I could go there it surely would cure me of my struggles.

At age 18, in my last semester of high school, I had been accepted into BYU and everything seemed to be going my way. My parents were on a temple trip. I was doing laundry (a necessary skill for someone with 9 siblings). My parents had left their clothes in the dryer so I decided to put them away. While I was in my parents bedroom, I spotted a book on my dad’s desk about same-sex attraction (a term that I now find exhausting, but that I admittedly identified with for most of my time at BYU). I felt a whirlwind of emotions. With a little more prying, I found three or four other books on the same topic. I was utterly exposed. My parents knew about my attractions. My dad was doing research behind my back. Out of desperation I came out to my bishop. He was compassionate, if a bit inexperienced with my situation. He counseled me to develop a network of people in whom I could confide that would be my armor and help me stay in the gospel (I have taken this advice to heart, though, probably not in the exact way he intended). I talked to my mother in the car on the way home from that appointment and told her that she could talk to my dad but that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. To this day, it’s difficult for me to talk to my parents about my sexuality, but it’s getting better.

In my first year at BYU I was shocked that the cycle of torment persisted. I did, however, learn some necessary and hard truths. Mormons aren’t perfect. They sometimes swear. They sometimes watch R-rated movies. They are capable of thinking for themselves. They even sometimes shop on Sundays! If I had remained in Muncie and gone to Ball State, I probably would have stayed in my own little Mormon bubble and it would have been the death of me.

I did the whole two year Mission thing in Denver, Colorado. It was a mixture of good and bad. I met some amazing people and I got to live in one of the most beautiful parts of the country. I also had severe social anxiety so I probably shouldn’t even have been on a mission. I was constantly depressed, panicked, and/or suicidal. I wouldn’t so much say I “served” a mission. I SURVIVED it!

Fortunately, upon returning to BYU, I found a home in the Theatre Department. I met people who were open-minded. People who loved me unconditionally. True, there were also some very insecure, close-minded, judgemental, and superficial people, but you’ll find that anywhere. It was actually BYU that put me on the path to self-acceptance.

About halfway through my time at BYU I got a phone call from a close mission buddy, Ryan. He told me he was gay and that he knew I was too. I evaded the “accusation” by telling him that I was attracted to women (which I fully believed until a couple years after graduating from BYU). He had been living with his aunt because he was afraid his immediate family wouldn’t accept him and had taken to drinking as a form of self-medication. Two weeks after that phone call I got a text message telling me that Ryan had died in a car accident. Everyone in the car was drunk at the time of the accident. This was devastating, but also a huge wake-up call for me. I had to figure out what to do with myself so I didn’t self destruct.

I came out to my brother, #8 in the family, who compassionately agreed to go to a conference on SSA with me. The night before the conference, I got a phone call from my Dad. He told me that he had the same struggle as me. He had only told two other people in my family: my mom and my second oldest brother, #6 in the family. We chatted for a bit, trying to comfort one another, but it was difficult for both of us to communicate about something that we had tried to keep hidden for so long. It still is difficult, but it is slowly getting better. I admire my parents for making the sacrifices they made to have a family and to stay true to what they value. I just know I can’t follow in their footsteps because a mixed orientation marriage is out of the question for me personally.

Knowing about my dad’s secret struggle with SSA made it even more difficult for me to come out. Those books I found on his desk years previous were not for me, but for him. My world was turned on its head again for the umpteenth time since eighth grade. My experience was now tied to his and I felt that I could not tell my story without exposing my father. So I essentially stayed in the closet until after I graduated BYU.

While I was at BYU, I only came out to a handful of people and they became a vital part of my support system. I was fortunate to have two brothers close by, #8 and #10, that accepted my orientation from the moment I confided in them and even supported the notion of me dating men (which I didn’t do until after graduating). I also came out to an amazing straight roommate from Australia who was a Music Dance Theatre major. He is a very talented and hardworking individual. He was very successful in his time at BYU. He helped me come out of my shell. He validated me as an individual, a singer, an actor, and a gay (well, SSA at the time) man. He believed in me and my talents when few other people would notice me. Following his example of love and acceptance, I was able to build my own confidence and pursue my own ambitions as a theatre practitioner. I still consider him to be one of my dearest friends.

Describe your experience post-BYU

In 2014, after 13 rigorous semesters, I graduated from BYU with a BA in Theatre Arts Studies. Since then, I have stayed in Utah to take advantage of the excellent theatre community here. I’ve had a day job, but I’ve still gotten to work on my skills as an actor/singer and get paid for it. Recently, I co-founded a theatre company. Our goal is to establish a professional theatre in Utah County where we can tell honest stories, especially ones that are about marginalized groups of people.

I’ve come a long way in the last several years. A couple years after I graduated I realized that the attraction I was experiencing for women was purely aesthetic and not sexual or romantic at all. This made it even more difficult for me to continue going to church. I knew that eventually I would have to make a choice: the church or my sanity. I’ve chosen the latter.

I didn’t start dating men until three years after I graduated. Before I dove into the dating pool, I had a wonderful conversation with my parents. It gave me more clarity as to where they were coming from. My dad wasn't keeping his SSA a secret because he feared judgement from the church. He was trying to avoid persecution from LGBTQ+ rights activists. I'm sure there are some in the LGBTQ+ community that would see a mixed orientation relationship as a threat to the validity of a queer one. I haven't personally encountered any queerfolk who actually feel that way, but I don’t doubt that sort of intolerance exists on both sides. I think we should just respect each other's differences and let people live based on what they value as long as it's not harmful to others.

I kind of surprised myself at how natural dating came to me. Before, when I gave into the expectation to date women, it was always the most anxiety inducing experience so I avoided it as much as possible. Dating still has its difficulties, but it’s amazing how much more fulfilling it is for me when I’m actually attracted to my date.

What really helped me give myself permission to move forward in my life was changing the way I came out to people. I was in the middle of workshopping a new play about anxiety and depression, in which I played a therapist. One day after rehearsals, I went out to lunch with a couple other cast members, the director, and the playwright. One of our fellow cast members confided in us that she was bisexual and she was scared because she was going on her first date with a woman. I hadn’t come out to any of these people yet, but I decided to be brave. I took the opportunity to casually say, “I get that. I’m gay and I’m terrified of going on dates with men.” It felt like a huge wall had disappeared. I had just discovered a super stress-free way of coming out. It didn’t have to be some grand letter or video plastered all over the internet (although that works really well for some people). I started finding simple ways to slip it into conversations with friends and even strangers without any preamble. I still haven’t made any huge, definitive posts on social media and I don’t really feel the need to. I just live my life and try to be a compassionate human being in the process.

What advice or wisdom would you share with a current LGBTQ+ BYU student?

My advice to my LGBTQ+ friends currently at BYU...If you haven’t come out already, it’s okay to wait until you feel safe to do so. Just know that there is life after BYU. I encourage you to build a network of friends who accept you. That will help tremendously as you transition away from the BYU scene.

Are there any other thoughts or experiences you’d like to share?

I remember the first time I kissed a guy. I was raised to think that I would feel guilty and dirty if I would act on those attractions. Quite the opposite happened. It was the third or fourth guy I went out with. It felt like a crushing weight had been lifted from my chest. It was a confirmation that I was heading in exactly the right direction with my life.

Posted January 2020