Pearce N

BA, Music Education (‘18)

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

It’s mainly because of family pressures and stuff, I’d say. All of my other siblings had moved up to Utah to go to school, and most of them had gone to BYU. At the time, I didn’t view any other college as an option. It’s mainly, “Hey, I need to go to college, and what are the options?” I applied to a few places, but I never really had the anticipation of going anywhere else but BYU.

How was your time at BYU?

In the music program—I loved a lot of it. A lot of the experiences I had were great. I met a lot of wonderful people, and honestly, I think it’s one of the best programs, at least for music education, in the state. And I think I got a lot out of it.

Obviously, being queer, being gay in the program, in the school, kind of is a little bit of a cognitive dissonance with the religion and the spirituality. But I found a lot of supportive friends, I think, in the music program especially. There’s a lot of wonderful people that I met, and a lot of coworkers I still talk to and hang out with on a regular basis to this day.

Did you have any run ins with the Honor Code Office?

Probably 2015, 2016, or something. This was right when I got back from the mission and right when I started coming out to people. And within a year of getting back and coming out to people, I actually kind of had my first boyfriend at the time. We were both in the same program, and we were down in St. George for a music educator conference. And this conference—we thought it was away from everything. And we went, and we were holding hands walking down the street, and I’m pretty sure there was a girl who was pretty uncomfortable with it and I’m pretty sure it’s because she actually had a crush on me. . .

Anyway, we were reported to the Honor Code Office, and we went in and talked to them about it. Obviously, it was not a great experience, not my favorite kind of thing, talking to the Honor Code Counselors, but in the end, it was like, hey, don’t do it again or you could be in trouble. So, I consider myself lucky. I didn’t really have to deal with any repercussions. Then we left, and I haven’t had any interaction since.

What’s a good experience you had at BYU?

I attribute a lot of the good experience I had to the program I was in. I’ve had so many good opportunities. Joining the music program, I’ve met a lot of good people. Honestly, my job I have now, a lot of my jobs I’ve had actually, have been just because of the connections I’ve made to all the people.

I loved and enjoyed playing music with all of the fellow students, my peers, and with the faculty and everything. And I’ve had great experiences in all the classes and stuff. I think there have been some professors who have been great. I know even the director of the School of Music has been open to try and mentor me in some of his own free time. I took private conducting lessons with him. And I’m still friends with a lot of the faculty.

Did you face any mental health issues while attending BYU?

Not to the extent a lot of people do. I consider myself lucky to not have to have gone through many mental health issues. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, but it hasn’t really affected me as a queer student or hurt me in my time going to school. I’ve been fine with that, and I consider myself lucky to not have had any problems with that.

How was your experience after leaving BYU?

After I graduated, I worked a little bit at BYU still. My old job hired me back so I could have some semblance of income. I did graduate in music education, so I’m going into teaching. Most teaching jobs don’t start until August, so I was lucky enough to work with my old boss. She let me stay on as a “manager.”

After that, I got a job teaching in Payson, Utah. I’m currently down there, teaching high school. Last year I was high school and junior high, but this year I’m just at the high school.

I’ve really enjoyed my experience at BYU. But it has been nice being away from BYU at times. I feel like I’ve been able to be more of myself. I haven’t had to hide anything. Not to say that I’m “super gay” at school when I teach students—people say that I “appear straight”—but it doesn’t come up at school very often. But I feel like I don’t have to hide it if it does come up. And there have actually been a few students who do ask me, and I tell them, “Yeah, sure, I am gay.” But I don’t try to be super out and loud about it. It’s nice just knowing that I don’t have to have the worry behind me about what could happen if people did find out.

When did you first realize you were gay?

Probably in junior high, when I was in middle school. I was hanging out with friends and they would talk about all the girls they think are cute, and I’m just trying to fit in, I’m like “Yeah, I think that girl’s kind of cute or something, I don’t know.” It was very much a process of lying to myself, thinking that I could make it happen. In high school, I finally was like, “Alright. I’m not straight.” I tried to ignore it for a while. It wasn’t until college that I officially came out and talked to friends and people about it.

What does your spirituality look like today?

I don’t really consider myself super Mormon anymore. I haven’t taken my name off of any records or anything, but I don’t go to church anymore. My family is still very practicing. My brother is a bishop of his ward. I’m around Mormon and LDS religion a lot. But I find it more of a personal experience right now. I feel like I can believe in God and religion, but I don’t necessarily feel like it all follows along with the LDS theology at this point. I don’t feel comfortable in the Church.

Do you have any advice for current queer students at BYU?

Not to sound corny or anything, but it does get better. There are a lot of great experience that I’ve had on campus at BYU, there are a lot of not-great experiences. But, since graduating, I’ve lived my dream. I thought about becoming a music teacher when I was a teenager and it finally happened, however many years later it took. It’s been awesome getting to this point. If a student can pull through and get through it all, it’s worth it in the end. Find the friends that can support you. Find those people who are willing to be there for you when maybe not a lot of other people are willing to be there for you.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Pearce’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity. The transcription does not cover the entire video.

Posted October 2021